I don't remember the date, but I remember the day. I was alone at work, sitting at my desk. It had been an overly stressful day. When the stress kicked into overdrive, so did the binge eating. I wasn't hungry; in fact my stomach ached from all that I had consumed that day. However I was cramming handfuls of baby pretzels in my face like I was starving to death.
In my head I was screaming, "STOP! You are killing yourself!" But my hand kept shoveling the food in like it was the last I would ever eat. I sat there crying to God, "Help me, PLEASE HELP ME!" Still the hand wouldn't stop; it was as if is it had a mind of its own. Why? Why won't you stop? Please stop!
The memory of that day is what keeps me strong. You see, I am a food addict. A recovering food addict, but an addict all the same. There is no such thing as portion control when it comes to my eating. If it is something that I crave and love...there is no stopping until there is no more to be had.
May 23, 2015 changed my life. I had recently come back from a trip to see my spiritual parents in England. It was an amazing trip to say the least. It was my first time traveling out of the United States. (My first passport stamp!) I got to visit with my Mateola family whom I dearly missed, I got to see how they lived in the UK and I got to see the London sights that had me in awe. It was the most adventurous trip I had ever been on in my life. (Traveling the world is my future in Jesus name!!!)
However the most memorable part of the trip was the fact that I wasn't hungry. I wasn't thinking about food my every waking moment. It was the most fabulous feeling ever! Back then, there wasn't a moment that I wasn't thinking about the next time I got to eat. It didn't matter if I just finished eating the most spectacular meal ever, my thoughts would be consumed by the next scheduled time that I could eat something.
It was a never ending cycle. Eat, think about food, eat, think about food... I always had junk food at my desk. I was munching on pretzels, chips and other assorted crap all day long...all the while thinking about the next real meal I would get to eat.
I was not just an over eater. I was truly addicted to the taste. I was always seeking the next yummiest taste I could find.
I had lost 10 pounds while I was off on my 13 day trip to England. However once I was back home, I was back to the binge eating. In 3 days I had gained back my 10 pounds that I had lost in 13.
I cried to God, "I thought You healed me, what happened?!?!"
His response was simple, "I gave you a taste of what could be if you changed your mindset on food. Until you change how you think about food, you cannot change how much it controls you. Are you desperate enough to change?"
I humbly replied, "Yes God, please tell me what to do and I will do it."
I felt His loving embrace as He told me in no uncertain terms, "Child you are addicted to food. Food has become your drug of choice. Until you change your mind, your situation will not change. You must stop eating Sugar, Wheat and Flour...forever. You cannot go back. You must look at it as what it is to you...drugs. This is not a temporary change, this is forever. No more. Are you ready to change your life?"
That was the day that God called me to the carpet on my food addiction. The road has not been an easy one. The first two weeks were the worst two weeks of my life. The DTs from quitting sugar was... there are no words to describe how horrible it really was!
About a month into my new lifestyle I was meditating on the phrase that addicts know all too well, "One is too many and a thousand is not enough." My boss and I had a discussion on how you have to stick to your guns and not take that first taste. Telling me that once you take that first taste, it will lead to the justification of the 2nd which will lead to the justification of the 3rd and so on... Until you have gone down the path of no return.
That is when God told me that if I take that first taste of my forbidden foods, I will end up back in bondage seven times worse that was I was being delivered from.
WHAT?!?!? Seven?!?!?! Seven times worse than not being about to stop my hand from shoveling food in my face?!?!? SEVEN times worse that sitting there begging myself to stop and not being able to?!?!? SEVEN times worse than being a size 4x heading for a 5x?!?!? NO!!!!
As He told me that, I relived that dreadful day in my head. The day of me crying at my desk not being able to control the urge of stuffing food in my face. Yep that revelation stays in the forefront of my mind. Can't go back there...much less seven times worse!
I have my days that I struggle. I am an addict, it happens. However that visual keeps me holding strong to the boundaries that God placed on me. I don't waiver.
I thank God each day that He brought me out of that pit. That dreadful food pit.
People tell me, I don't know how you do it - I could never give up sugar (or what ever it is that they love that God told me that I cannot eat). As the visual of that day pops into my head, my response is, "If you are desperate enough you would be determined enough to give up whatever you had to." (I don't judge those that can't give up what I had to. My struggles are not necessarily their struggles. We all are different!)
Please know that not all folks that are overweight are food addicts. Those that are, truly need help to overcome the bondage of food addiction. Our demons are just acceptable in this society and are the hardest to break as we all need food to survive.
As boring as it sounds, I dream of a day when I can look at food as mere fuel. I dream of the day when I can just eat what I need to fuel my body and continue on with my day without being consumed with thoughts of my next meal. I dream of when I can attend a family gathering and not just have the urge to graze as we sit around talking. I dream of any function that is not surrounded by food. I dream of a day that I can watch others eat and not feel deprived, being punished for my past behaviors. I dream of the day when a bag of chips is not chasing me down the grocery aisle. I dream...
I am not there yet, but that day is coming in Jesus name! I know that I am not alone in my struggle. I know that there are others out there that hate the fact that cookies and cake own them. Your vice might be chips and dip, or even ice cream. Your drug dealer is the local market that doesn't judge you for your cart full of the smack that has you jonesin' to eat once you get out to the car...if you even make it that far.
I've been there my friend, I've been there. You want help, there is Someone that can help you, His name is Jesus. He cares that you are hurting. He knows that you are stuck and that you need help, He wants to help you break those chains of food addiction. Call on Him. Tell Him that you can't do this on your own, because you can't. Tell Him that the only craving you want is Him. Talk to Him, He will not only listen to your cries, He will walk you through to the other side. You don't have to go through this alone. You got this if you want it.
I would love to hear from you. If for no other reason than for the reassurance that I am not alone in this battle to break the stronghold of food addiction. I love you and I thank God for your life.
Until Next Time, God Bless!!!
© Comfort the Crave
